There’s a difference between sex and sensuality, just as there is between having sex and making love.
They all offer us something, and we can move between them. The deepest fulfilment comes from being able to see what we want clearly. When we’re not sure what we need or want, we’re often unfulfilled and frustrated because we’re not getting what we want.
Let’s begin with defining sex.
You’ve all had it at least once, even if it was just to see what all the fuss was about.
I’ve come to define sex as a goal-oriented genital activity, the goal generally being orgasm. Now orgasm has its own limitations that we can talk more about, but that’s how most of us see sex.
Sensuality is different. It involves all of our senses, taste, touch, sight, sound and smell. And the most important aspect that sensuality has, which sex often doesn’t, is intimacy. The heart stuff.
Sex is often not intimate, especially if the lights are off, our eyes are closed and if we’re in some fantasy about someone or whatever we were watching on the web today. There’s no real intimacy or connection in that space.
Sensuality is always intimate. It’s personal. It touches something inside of us.
Making love is often where the two meet. Making Love defines itself. Making. Love.
At the end of the experience, there is going to be more love present, more love between us. We tend to use making love as a euphemism for sex when in fact they’re pretty far apart.
Fulfilment, peace, feeling satisfied comes from being able to know what we want, how to communicate that, and then find a way to make it happen. If we want just to be held and caressed, sex is not going to be what we want. In fact, it will often create anger, resentment and frustration.
The same goes for when we want sex, we want orgasm and all that we can have with it.
And experiences can start somewhere and become something else.
But there are times when what we want is very clear. The more we can communicate that, the more we can create experiences that will fulfil all aspects of ourselves, the happier we will be.
This becomes a freeing space; we come to know ourselves, to connect with ourselves, with different parts of who we are, and in a relationship, we offer the same space to our partners.
It also opens beautiful doors of communication, learning and exploring.
We can have it all; we simply need to be conscious of where we are, and what’s going to be fulfilling for today.
Jonti Searll is the creator of Eros Life and has worked for over 25 years as a healer, therapist and a teacher. In the last 14 years he has specialised in the field of Conscious Sexuality, expanding sexual experience and consciousness. He creates a safe space for anyone choosing to walk through the door. http://www.eroslife.co.za/